Turns out i did not go to sleep.
And i wondered how honest must we be to ourselves.
How much illusion is allowed to slip into normacy.

Awareness and Will.
Self

Being brutally honest, acknowledging all the incapability in ourselves
yet that does not necessary mean having the will to achieve a difference.
Inversely, happily leading one's life oblivious to all things bad, does that appeal to me?
Not having an awareness.
Or having one that is tinted.
See what you want to see.

Will is deciding how much good and bad you want to see
in the world around us.
Will is believing that you can be in control, that you are in control.

At least that's what i believe i have to achieve.
My own will.
To counteract my own awareness.
Awareness is innate.
Will is what we can used to strategize to deal with the awareness we are given.

I should really really.. will myself back to bed before my awareness collapses.

Realization no. 50:

The week passed by so fast that i don't even have time to reflect on what i have been doing.

What's been done checklist to self:

1) mdm wong on friday
2) sushi lunch, the hot chick and drinks on saturday
3) laurie anderson on monday
4) oil painting on tuesday
5) Ktv on wednesday
6) Catch up on sleep today. Now.

You're a Tragic Romantic. Don't worry; Be
happy. Like it's really that easy, right?
Grieving takes time, no matter what you're
getting over. Don't dwell so much on what has
happened and go into the future without
expectations. Healing will come.


What Sort of Romantic Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Oh... this is soooo me. :P
DUH.

What can i say?

Why do people assume that when you write about sad things, it means that you want people to feel sorry for you?
Why do people also assume that when you write about happy things, it means that you want to show off?
I guess people are hard to satisfy.
I ought to know.
Its hard enough to satisfy me as it is.
But hey.
Who gives a damn?
I can't be Miss Normal and Well-Adjusted or Miss Indifferent ALL the time.

My... did i just had a romantic weekend?
*gasp*

Thank you.

After a pretty grouchy Valentine's day, my weekend was surprising good. Had a relaxing overnight stay at Rasa Sentosa on saturday which was a real treat. Our room had the best of both worlds, one balcony faces the hill another faces the beach. Dinner was stupendous, with great seafood soup, grilled asparagus/portobello mushroom salad, bruschetta for appetizers. And for our main course, i had a grilled rib eye while he had grill lamb rack with grilled vegetables and garlic mash. I really thought i was going to explode with all that good food. Whatmore, the dinner did not cost a bomb (which normally it would) since his friend was so nice as to charge us only for the appetizers. The same friend also helped us get the room there at staff rate so he did not have to spend too much money for a nice weekend. I think the best bit of the dinner was that we could finally sit down for a quiet dinner, taking our time, enjoy the evening breeze outside and having a nice conversation. It was really one of the best dinner i ever had with him. After dinner we caught the magical sentosa show at the musical fountain which was not all that bad. They did a revamp of the place and put in a 4mil laser show to jazz up the normally plain fountain and music show. It was a pity that sunday morning was grey and drizzling. I was hoping to take a dip in the pool but instead settled in the balcony to enjoy a nice big breakfast. The portions were big even though we only ordered for one person, there was more than enough for two. I always liked ordering room service and i wish all sunday morning breakfast could be like so, eating out on a balcony, munching on buttered toasts/rolls, sausages and eggs, sipping tomato juice and tea while enjoying the light morning breeze and looking at the rain falling on the sea. It didn't feel like being in singapore at all. I really did not want the weekend to end and for once, i wish i did not have to work on a monday.

Different experiences make different outlooks.

What a crazy Valentine's day. Busy day at work and was just about to relax into having an impromptu dinner with him (planned celebrations is on saturday) while mom called to say that she wanted me to go home for dinner and had booked an air tix to china the next morning. Once home, realized that something had happened to the fridge and things were thawing fast in the freezer. After a frantic wait, the repair man finally came around 9.15pm. After which, we spend the evening waiting for the fridge to be fixed and i was feeling really grouchy about certain things that happened. I guess things i really don't want to think about for a while. By the time the fridge was fixed, it was around 11pm and then i send him home where he had more work to finish. I guess it has not been the best Valentine's day i ever had.

By some strange coincidence, the both time i looked up into my rearview mirror while driving home, i saw two similar couples in the car behind me at two separate junctions. Other than the fact that they wore different clothes, were of different race and generations, they actually drove similar looking cars and both the men wore sunglasses, giving an uncanny impression of how alike they were.

Maybe i see too much into the things around me.

Looking into my rearview mirror, i saw a young couple in a dusty brown car.
The man had on a pair of sun glasses and the sunlight caught in the black reflective surfaces,
making his eyes sparkle.
The woman looked at the man and her smile mirrored in his eyes.
He reached over to touch her neck while she giggled, tossing a paper file
onto the back seat.

My car moved and i stopped at the next junction.
I looked at my rearview mirror again and realised that the couple has aged in their dusty brown car.
The man has became more solemn and looked around him,
careful of the traffic passing by.
The woman held a small smile as she looked at her lap.
She said something and the man looked at her, smiling for the first time.

The traffic light changed and i drove on, as smiling couples passed me by.

Romance singapore?

Give me a break.

Caught catch me if you can last night with some friends. One of the more enjoyable movies i have seen this year. Perhaps i just have a perchant for movies that are based on real life events.

Good. I am feeling quite peaceful.
These days i had some great laughs over the "get fuzzy" comics in the papers and i am starting to read my long neglected forum pages like the STinteractive. Little pleasures in life need not be too obscure and hard to understand or obtained. I just have a tendency to overdramatize things and i'd have to admit i am a closet drama queen in the making. Except they are all inner turmoil and only upon occasion surface.

Perhaps i am a closet drama queen with stage fright.

But, most of the time i got carried away with my emotions and thoughts. My perceptions are often skewed and biased. My only excuse is that these are personal experiences which affects me. That had no bearing on objectivity. I am capable of being nicer to people i will hurt in this process sometimes. Other times, i hurt them before i realize that i could have been nicer. I have forgotten about simple pleasures and instead focused on perceived pain and regrets.

I make no apologies now. And since it is hardly fair to expect apologies, so i will try not to. I will just try harder to remember other things and leave other memories alone.

Let's see how long can i remain lucid this time round...

ARGH

I broke fast!
I had my first morsel of food after midnight!
And that was after how many months of abstinance??

But golly, bak gua taste great when you are dying for something to munch on late at night.

Ruski has such nice long whiskers
that looks alittle like spiny spider legs.

One of my ex students is in NUH now suffering from Leukemia. She is only six years old and i remembered her as a rather mischievous girl with Down syndrome. On saturday morning, a colleague and I went down to NUH blood donation centre to try donate our A+ platelets to her but unfortunately they found that i had low blood pressure (that i did not know) so not suitable to undergo the 1 1/2 hour procedure. Seems that i might faint while they had difficulties screening my colleague as her heart beat was too fast. Would have been a totally wasted trip but managed to donate a bag of blood. Almost couldn't do that either as I barely met the requirements due to my years spent in UK.

So... if anyone is reading this and your blood type is A+ and was not living in Europe during the 80s to 1996 (Mad cow risk), please try to help a sick little girl who really needs your platelets. Her name is Samantha Teo. Do let the nurse at the donation centre know that. I think the family will really be appreciative. Thanks.

Another one fun-filled weekend...

one where Li Nan Xing had a cameo on three groovy girls friday night out
one where free milo came in exchange for a bag of A+ blood
one where two girls laugh their way through needles and weighing machines
one where bollywood meets hollywood and yet could not compare with "the keeper" over coffee
one where cash flowed for little white bottles
one where mother and daughter toss another new year day with mixed vegetable shreds, salmon and condiments.

However, on a more serious note,

one where a little girl lie sick on a hospital bed, still waiting for her platelets
one where issues of intimacy were discussed and disagreed upon
one where differences were felt through and through.

Hope you will get well soon Sam...

Very quiet reunion dinner but lots more visiting this year, hence alot more angbaos though quite small amounts due to the bad economic.

(hMm so many conjections in one sentence...)

Missed having my brothers around but definitely did not mind keeping their angbaos for them *evil crackle*

Had tried to meet up with some friends but just couldn't find the suitable time (in between all those compulsory visits) and bad weather.

Met some relatives i did not know existed before, including one who was quite a famous singer in the 60s/70s (anyone heard of you2 li4?).

Had nice dinner with snow and coffee with weili & sisters on monday, and that rounded up the 3 day lunar new year holiday.

One of the recent pix of Ruski that i liked...

Ruski's New Look

Wonders of trick photography.
See how they make Ruski look so thin!

what a wet and dreary chinese new year...